


I Am My Monster

by GayBeau



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Adora struggles with her value post-war, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, POV Adora (She-Ra)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-14
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:48:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27016027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GayBeau/pseuds/GayBeau
Summary: The rage of betrayal inside her stirs and churns as she marches into the darkened woods. She’s been abandoned, falsely loved. That’s fine. She’ll show them.She gave the world magic. She can take it away just as easy. Each step sets the world alight until Etheria is no more than it would have been had Light Hope accomplished her goals. Soon, she sits atop a ruined world, and still all she feels is pain...***Adora has a nightmare, but Catra is there for her.
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 120





	I Am My Monster

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Steven Universe Future.

_ It’s been a month since she’d saved Etheria from Horde Prime, and suddenly everything is changing. Glimmer starts to skip her when directing teams to help with the rebuild, and everything falls apart from there. Soon she has no place at the table or invitations to events, the people of Brightmoon look at her with the fear appropriate for a walking weapon, and she’s eventually thrown into the Whispering Woods by her two best friends.  _

_ “I guess you can just go back to where we found you, we have no use for you now,” Glimmer says, cold as the frost beneath her. Bow nods in agreement. _

_ At first she is heartbroken, lingering on the edges of the Whispering Woods for her friends to change their minds. Then, when no one comes, bitterness overtakes her. The rage of betrayal inside her stirs and churns as she marches into the darkened woods. She’s been abandoned, falsely loved. That’s fine. She’ll show them. _

_ She gave the world magic. She can take it away just as easy. Each step sets the world alight until Etheria is no more than it would have been had Light Hope accomplished her goals. Soon, she sits atop a ruined world, and still all she feels is pain... _

The details of her nightmare are fuzzy when she awakes, but as she turns in her sweat-damp sheets, she feels the emotions behind it catch up to her. 

Nightmares aren’t uncommon for Adora, but they’re not usually the ones that make her think. Her head rushes with thoughts, and those thoughts soon morph into anxieties, all rationality abandoning her, just like her friends in the dream. 

She sits up, clutching her chest as she tries to breathe. There’s this sensation as if her thoughts have made physical form and are wrapping a firm hand around her throat, slowly choking her as its grip tightens. She clings to the bedsheets as hot tears stream down her cheeks. Often when she feels like this, with the panic seeping in, she’ll try to employ one of Perfuma’s breathing techniques to help her calm down, but at the moment she wants to indulge and let these horrible thoughts consume her. Maybe they’re right, and maybe she deserves this. 

Shaking her head, she forces just one rational thought. Throughout her dream, Catra hadn’t been there. But she had felt this presence, known that in the background Catra was trying to reach out to her. When everyone abandoned her, Catra still tried. Perhaps if she had listened, she wouldn’t have gone down that dark path. 

“C-Catra?” She speaks with a shaky voice, turning around to her sleeping girlfriend. The night was hot, and despite Catra’s tendency to cling, she had fallen asleep out of her grasp. Now she’s got her arms wrapped around a pillow as she lies atop the sheets, back to her, tail laying in the space Adora left. If she weren’t so tired from the rebuild, she may have woken at her movement. Or maybe she’s becoming more trusting that her leaving isn’t permanent. 

Moonlight streams into their tent, highlight Catra’s raising fur as she stretches. She turns over, rubbing her eyes. “Mmmm?” 

Adora sees heterochromatic eyes open in slow blinks, then they shoot open as Catra hears a sniffle. In an instant, Catra is kneeling before her, analysing her, as her hands grip her shoulders and tail wraps around her waist. “Adora, what’s wrong?”

“Nightmare,” Is all Adora can manage with a quivering jaw. Something about seeing the care in Catra’s eyes just makes this even more painful. She’s not used to asking for help, which means this hurt is real.

Catra pulls her into a hug, one arm holding her close, as her other hand strokes her head and runs gentle claws through her hair. 

It isn’t uncommon for them to be like this, but usually it’s the other way around. It feels safe and loving, and that’s all she needs to come undone. The leaking dam she’d been maintaining finally fell apart, and she sobs silently into Catra’s shoulder, wrapping her own arms around her to bring them closer. 

They stay like that for a while. Every now and then Catra will whisper gently to her. “I’m here,” or “You’re safe,” or “I’ve got you”. Her small words of safety that only undo her more. 

She replays those scenes from her dream in her head. Glimmer’s words stuck to her, and the image of those eyes as she walked down the streets. The feeling of betrayal. But eventually she could think about them without crying, and the pain becomes secondary to Catra’s affection. 

“Would you like to talk about it?” Catra asks as Adora’s breathing becomes stable. 

She nods into Catra’s shoulders, then pulls back. Her mouth and throat feel like a desert, so she quickly turns to grab her canteen and takes a good few gulps. 

Catra is waiting patiently for her when she’s done. A hand reaches out to wrap around hers, and she pulls them back into bed. Despite the warmth, they curl up face to face beneath the blankets, and Catra strokes Adora’s shoulder with her free hand, waiting patiently for her to speak. 

“They… I…” She can’t find the words to start, so she takes a breath and starts again. “With She-Ra not being needed anymore, they didn’t need me. I outlived my use,” She gulps, clenching and unclenching her fists. She wants to hold Catra’s hand, but the monster she is would surely crush it. “And I… I was filled with anger. I’ve never felt anything like it. It was like it burned away all of me and just left this monster. I burned the whole world down.”

Tears blur her vision, but she can feel the way Catra flinches. 

_ What a monster _ , she thinks to herself.  _ All I know how to do is hurt.  _

She sobs, standing up. “I’m so sorry! I wasn’t thinking, I’m so cruel talking about this to you. I didn’t mean to make you out to be…”

“Hey, hey, it’s fine,” Catra assures her, following Adora to stand by her side, holding her hand and rubbing her shoulder. “I… I know how scary that can feel. But why would you ever do that?”

“I’m a weapon!” Adora chokes. There’s a frustration in her voice that scares her, and she forces herself to breathe. Catra doesn’t deserve this, and if she is truly to burn the world down, the one thing she refuses to hurt is Catra. “All I was trained to do, all I was designed to do, was fight. I… I got so used to being important. Now I’m nothing. Worse than nothing, I’m a liability! What if I get mad? Lose control? Erase everything we’ve done? I feel like… It could be so easy to just tear everything down.”

She wipes her tears with her free hand, and glances to her side to see Catra giving her a tearful half-smile. “W-what?” Adora asks.

Catra half chuckles, half sobs. “You dummy. I get it, it’s so easy to be angry and let it consume you, to light the world on fire with it. But you’ve never taken the easy way out. You’re too much of a stubborn perfectionist,” She shoved Adora slightly with her hips, keeping things playful and drawing a small smile from her girlfriend. “Plus, you’re not nothing. You’re Adora, Sparkles and Arrow-Boy have kept you around for that much longer than they’ve kept you for She-Ra.”

Adora sighs, sitting down on the side of the bed as she exhales. Catra stands close, holding Adora to her chest and stroking her hair. A part of her knows what Catra says is true, but she can’t keep a leash on all the  _ what if’s _ ? The future, especially with so many changes to the present, is terrifying. “I’ve always been a soldier. My purpose has always been to fight, to destroy threats. I don’t know what else I can do for the rest of my life.”

“We’ve still got our ‘Best Friend Squad road trip’ coming up, and you play a pretty clear and key role in that. Y’know, spreading magic across the universe” 

“But we can’t do that forever. I don’t want to do that forever. Etheria is still my home, and I want to settle down with you someday. Be normal or something. I just haven’t really figured out what that means.”

Catra presses a kiss to Adora’s head. “You don’t need to have it all planned out now. We have the rest of our lives to find ourselves. I know you like to have your future all planned out, but we both know that the future doesn’t really listen. Remember when we said we’d be ruling the world together?”

They both chuckle, and Adora feels her muscles loosen. Catra’s hands rub soothing circles over her back, slowly drawing out the tension and easing the pain. It wasn’t all gone, that’s for sure, but she felt more in control, less scared.

“You were there for me, in my nightmare,” Adora says after some time of peaceful silence. “You were trying to reach out to me.”

“Hey, you stopped me from ending the world once. I promise to do the same if it ever comes down to it,” Adora can feel Catra’s lips turn to a small smile. “But it won’t happen. Like I said, you’re too much of a goody-good for that.”

“Hey, that’s not how you worded it!” Adora playfully shoves Catra off her. She doesn’t get a chance to make a further comment before Catra pounces on her, pushing her back onto the bed. They wrestle for a bit, playfully as they always have, before crumbling into each other.

“You must be tired. Let’s sleep in tomorrow, and I’ll bring us warm drinks and breakfast in bed. Then maybe we can go see Perfuma, get some actual wisdom on this? I’m sure she’ll have ideas to help you feel better. And if that doesn’t work, we can steal some of her fruit and I can make you feel better Catra style.” 

Adora’s heart hurt, but it was full. She let out a final tear as she buried her face in Catra’s neck. “Thank you,” she whispered, hiding a crack in her voice. 

The dreams she has as she falls back asleep are far kinder.  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! This one was pretty personal to me, but I hope it was still enjoyable.
> 
> It's also been a hot minute since I've posted anything. Thankfully my summer holidays are coming up - just two more weeks of exams at uni and then I can focus on me and my writing for a bit, so watch out for posts if you like my works! If you have any ideas for things I can write during my break, feel free to get in touch. I'm also planning on going doing some more work on Kingdoms Fall, my Steven Universe Fantasy AU piece. 
> 
> As always, let me know what you think =)


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